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Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.