Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
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“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.