Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
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My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.