I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
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i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-