Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
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Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.