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There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting