A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
You Might Also Like
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.