ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
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WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
He’s dead
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…