incredible text to wake up to
You Might Also Like
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.