Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
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ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.