FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
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waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
The answer is funnier than the question
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open