My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
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me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
estão todos miauvindo?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.