Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
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I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Mornin
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.