[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
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imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
🍛
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Does this dress make me look cat?
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.