i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
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{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose