They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
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Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.