I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
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My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee