DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
You Might Also Like
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
My flabber has been gasted.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Lmao
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”