[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
You Might Also Like
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Covid like
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.