Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
You Might Also Like
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant