My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
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Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.