this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
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Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth