Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
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you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?