Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
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I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake