me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
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Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.