* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
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Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Found the job I’m suited for
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy