I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
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my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
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I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute