He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
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Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Nice try, poison.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*