Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
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[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.