Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
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Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help