The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
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Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.