I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
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Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.