How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
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They must have gotten it to go.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
twitter users today:
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I hope google does well on my son’s test
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse