Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
You Might Also Like
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
And that about sums it up.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.