With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
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Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.