If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
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*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.