Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
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Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth