My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
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Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
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It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
A fake ID that makes you younger
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.