Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
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“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
love it when they get my name right
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.