Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
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me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.