Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
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“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I’ve been learning to cook.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order