Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
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Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
road rage
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
2022: I can fix it
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell