Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
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I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
My dad teaching me to drive
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu