oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
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[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
May never get over this
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.