One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
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If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
How it started: How it’s going:
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone