I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
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Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks