Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
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[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.