I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
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Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.