“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
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Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Every work meeting this week
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.