The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
You Might Also Like
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Doctors texting each other.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now